Dear Satan,
How do I make people who really REALLY irritate me DISAPPEAR and not do
time in prison?
Regards,
Suzanne
Suzanne,
I know that it’s not easy not being a nigh-omnipotent embodiment of all of the evil in the world.
When I want someone to disappear I make them spontaneously combust.
It’s kind of exhausting, because since you puny humans are something like 98% water I have to concentrate a little bit to make one of you insignificant mortals explode into a sulfurous fireball.
My favorite time to do that to a person is when they’re just walking down the street, minding their own business. Thinking about someone they’d want to fuck if they could or thinking about what they’re thinking about getting for dinner and what they’re going to maybe watch when they’re sitting on their couch after a hard day’s work, sipping a cold beer.
Then BLAMMO! Man on fire!
Nothing left behind but a pile of ash, a few tooth fillings and a tie-tack.
But like I said, manipulating events on the physical plane takes effort and I need a nap and a frappe and a nice rubdown afterwards or I’m tired and cranky all day and no one wants a tired and cranky Satan.
But since I only have the patience to do that about once a day, I make people disappear every day the same way everyone else does.
I block them on social media.
If you had any idea how many evil little minions are constantly capering on about “Appear before me Satan!” and “Do my bidding!” and “Please help me pass Biology so I don’t have to summer school again this summer!” you wouldn’t even want the job.
Sure the job has its perks.
I mean just the other night I was in bed with Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield and I made them have a pillow fight to the death.
No big deal.
I resurrected Marilyn afterwards.
Jayne doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
She’s a scrapper.
But I digress.
There’s few things more satisfying than going through each of your social media apps and blocking the same annoying person on each one and watching the streams of communication they have to interfere in your life dry up to nothing.
Hope this helps.
Love, Satan.
I know that it’s not easy not being a nigh-omnipotent embodiment of all of the evil in the world.
When I want someone to disappear I make them spontaneously combust.
It’s kind of exhausting, because since you puny humans are something like 98% water I have to concentrate a little bit to make one of you insignificant mortals explode into a sulfurous fireball.
My favorite time to do that to a person is when they’re just walking down the street, minding their own business. Thinking about someone they’d want to fuck if they could or thinking about what they’re thinking about getting for dinner and what they’re going to maybe watch when they’re sitting on their couch after a hard day’s work, sipping a cold beer.
Then BLAMMO! Man on fire!
Nothing left behind but a pile of ash, a few tooth fillings and a tie-tack.
But like I said, manipulating events on the physical plane takes effort and I need a nap and a frappe and a nice rubdown afterwards or I’m tired and cranky all day and no one wants a tired and cranky Satan.
But since I only have the patience to do that about once a day, I make people disappear every day the same way everyone else does.
I block them on social media.
If you had any idea how many evil little minions are constantly capering on about “Appear before me Satan!” and “Do my bidding!” and “Please help me pass Biology so I don’t have to summer school again this summer!” you wouldn’t even want the job.
Sure the job has its perks.
I mean just the other night I was in bed with Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield and I made them have a pillow fight to the death.
No big deal.
I resurrected Marilyn afterwards.
Jayne doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
She’s a scrapper.
But I digress.
There’s few things more satisfying than going through each of your social media apps and blocking the same annoying person on each one and watching the streams of communication they have to interfere in your life dry up to nothing.
Hope this helps.
Love, Satan.
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