Dear Satan, [Apple Customer Support]

Dear Apple Customer,
Your Apple account has been frozen. We recently reviewed your account, and we need more information to help us provide you with a more efficient secure service. Until we can collect this information, your account will be frozen. We would like to restore your access as soon as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.
Wondering why you got this email?
It's sent when someone adds or changes a contact email address for an Apple ID account. If you didn't do this, don't worry. Your email address cannot be used as a contact address for an Apple ID without your verification.
Thanks,
Apple Customer Support

Dear Apple Customer Support,
I kind of thought that this would go without saying, but I guess you're going to make me say it.
How would you like a horde of locusts to descend upon your corporate headquarters and fly in through the ventilation shafts and devour all of the flesh from the bodies of your employees so that it looks like a skeleton factory?
How would that work to help you have a happy humpday?
Or I could arrange for a single black raven to fly into your corporate headquarters infected with a cross-bred bird flu / ebola virus that's transmitted airborne and you can spend the afternoon watching all of your co-workers puking up their stomach lining and shitting out their intestines while bleeding from the eyeballs.
That kind of might put a bit of a damper on the morale in the human resources department when everyone in your entire company, including the human resources department, dies the same afternoon.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you'll want to consider unfreezing my account.
I know that it's against company policy and that you need more information to help you provide me with a more efficient secure service and that until you collect that information, my account will be frozen.
But how would you like it if I have a radioactive meteorite crash into your corporate headquarters that turns humans into zombies that live only to fuck, kill, and eat humans, but ironically they retain en excellent sense of direction so everyone goes home and rapes, murders, and eats their families, and their pets and neighbors and their neighbors pets, not necessarily in that order?
I think that might screw up this year's Christmas party when everyone is too dead and gorged on the flesh of their loved ones to play Secret Santa.
My intention is not to threaten you.
But it might be a good idea to remember that as a trans-dimensional, nigh-omnipotent ruler of Hell and all that it contains, I can make any or all of the preceding scenarios manifest on the earth.
I can make the sun go dark and the moon blood red and make the gutters run with the tears of your lamentations.
But what I can't do is I can't seem to figure out how to unlock my iPhone.
I left it on my desk and some lesser demon tried to unlock it and after entering the wrong password three times he bricked the fucking thing and I had everything on that phone.
So I would appreciate it if you stop apologizing for the inconvenience and restore my access as soon as possible, or I will make all of your children gay.
I love gay people, but God hates them, and you don't want him to hate your kids, now, do you?
Oh, and if you could do me a little favor and put the new Madonna album in my iTunes I'm having the human formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince over and we want to listen to it.

Thank you for doing as I command,
Satan