Dear Satan, [Apple Customer Support]

Dear Apple Customer,
Your Apple account has been frozen. We recently reviewed your account, and we need more information to help us provide you with a more efficient secure service. Until we can collect this information, your account will be frozen. We would like to restore your access as soon as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.
Wondering why you got this email?
It's sent when someone adds or changes a contact email address for an Apple ID account. If you didn't do this, don't worry. Your email address cannot be used as a contact address for an Apple ID without your verification.
Thanks,
Apple Customer Support

Dear Apple Customer Support,
I kind of thought that this would go without saying, but I guess you're going to make me say it.
How would you like a horde of locusts to descend upon your corporate headquarters and fly in through the ventilation shafts and devour all of the flesh from the bodies of your employees so that it looks like a skeleton factory?
How would that work to help you have a happy humpday?
Or I could arrange for a single black raven to fly into your corporate headquarters infected with a cross-bred bird flu / ebola virus that's transmitted airborne and you can spend the afternoon watching all of your co-workers puking up their stomach lining and shitting out their intestines while bleeding from the eyeballs.
That kind of might put a bit of a damper on the morale in the human resources department when everyone in your entire company, including the human resources department, dies the same afternoon.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you'll want to consider unfreezing my account.
I know that it's against company policy and that you need more information to help you provide me with a more efficient secure service and that until you collect that information, my account will be frozen.
But how would you like it if I have a radioactive meteorite crash into your corporate headquarters that turns humans into zombies that live only to fuck, kill, and eat humans, but ironically they retain en excellent sense of direction so everyone goes home and rapes, murders, and eats their families, and their pets and neighbors and their neighbors pets, not necessarily in that order?
I think that might screw up this year's Christmas party when everyone is too dead and gorged on the flesh of their loved ones to play Secret Santa.
My intention is not to threaten you.
But it might be a good idea to remember that as a trans-dimensional, nigh-omnipotent ruler of Hell and all that it contains, I can make any or all of the preceding scenarios manifest on the earth.
I can make the sun go dark and the moon blood red and make the gutters run with the tears of your lamentations.
But what I can't do is I can't seem to figure out how to unlock my iPhone.
I left it on my desk and some lesser demon tried to unlock it and after entering the wrong password three times he bricked the fucking thing and I had everything on that phone.
So I would appreciate it if you stop apologizing for the inconvenience and restore my access as soon as possible, or I will make all of your children gay.
I love gay people, but God hates them, and you don't want him to hate your kids, now, do you?
Oh, and if you could do me a little favor and put the new Madonna album in my iTunes I'm having the human formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince over and we want to listen to it.

Thank you for doing as I command,
Satan

Dear Satan, [California Girls]

Dear Satan,
How do you do m̢y sweet :{}
Woٗuld you mind to finding a young and nice gi̾rl̂? 9-)
My nåme iͣs Mable. I am frö́m Ukraine
Have you ever hea̱rd that the lov֗elieͣst girls in the world liٝve in my country? Don't even doubt!
m̐y account - http://ifsddrww.daterr.ru
Ȉt is me
I have much more sexy pics for you, my superma̩n. I'm ready fór chat͋!

Dear Mable,
I am always would mind to finding young nice girls.
I have never heard that the lov֗elieͣst girls in the world live in your country.
As a matter of fact, the loveliest girls in the world live in the United States.
Specifically in the state of California.
I thought I was pretty clear about that when I instructed Brian Wilson and Mike Love to write the song California Girls for The Beach Boys.
In case you were having trouble understanding what I was trying to communicate through my earthly vessel, here are the lyrics:

Well East coast girls are hip
I really dig those styles they wear
And the Southern girls with the way they talk
They knock me out when I'm down there
The Mid-West farmer's daughters really make you feel alright
And the Northern girls with the way they kiss
They keep their boyfriends warm at night
I wish they all could be California
I wish they all could be California
I wish they all could be California girls
The West coast has the sunshine
And the girls all get so tanned
I dig a french bikini on Hawaii island
Dolls by a palm tree in the sand
I been all around this great big world
And I seen all kinds of girls
Yeah, but I couldn't wait to get back in the states
Back to the cutest girls in the world
I wish they all could be California girls
I wish they all could be California
I wish they all could be California girls
I wish they all could be Californian
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Californian
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Californian
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Californian
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)

As you can clearly see, the cutest girls in the world are California girls.
At no point in that song do I mention Ukranian girls.
And since it wasn't already completely clear, and humans have a relatively short attention span, I had David Lee Roth re-record the song and make a video for my Music Television Channel on your terrestrial cable television system.
Exhibit B:

You could make an argument that "cutest" is not, strictly speaking the exact same as "lov֗elieͣst" but then I would smite you with the most horrible combination of flesh-eating venereal diseases ever known by man.
Thank you for your inquiry,
Satan

Dear Satan, [Marital Status: Single.]

Dear Satan,
Hello friend, I got your profile and decided to write you for an important and confidential issues. I am Ananevie Clifford from Lome Togo, once an accountant. I worked with Ecobank before i retired as a banker, before my retirement, i had a late client then who died in auto crash, till date know one has come as his next of kin and i have some vital information about the fund. Further details of the fund will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your mail response with your phone number, address, date of birth Occupation/position and your marital status for further details explanations.
Yours Faithfully Mr. Ananevie Clifford‏

Dear Ananevie Clifford,
If your issues were really important and confidential, I don't know if sending them via e-mail is a great idea.
I know exactly which client you're referring to.
That human was a boring waste of space and I made it a point to end their bloodline so it wouldn't pollute the earth.
But I'm always interested in being the benefactor of a little windfall so I'll play along.
Phone Number: Country code +6 (666) 666-6669
I tried to get it so it was all sixes, but some other prick had it before me.
I had his head crushed in by a block of frozen human shit I arranged to have fall out of an airplane while he was out walking his chiweenie, but the cell phone company still won't let me have his old number.
There are downsides to being nigh omnipotent.
Primarily that I'm not omnipotent.
Address: Hell
Date Of Birth: I was created by the all powerful God at the same time that the universe was created.
Occupation/Position: Ruler of Hell, Corrupter of Man, Tormentor of All that defy the will of the Almighty God for all of eternity.
Marital Status: Single.
I await your further details explanations.

Dear Satan, [Sorry about that whole "chemical weapon" thing.]

Dear Satan,
I am a widow from Syrian Damascus my family and I was affected by the chemical weapon in Syrian which has led to the death of my husband and children. I need an honest and a trust worthy person like you to help me retrieve my family treasure amounting to USD7.2 Million I will be glad if you can assist me.

Dear widow from Syrian Damascus,
Sorry about that whole "chemical weapon" thing.
Your husband and children are here in hell and they're doing fine.
As for my being an honest and trustworthy person, apparently my reputation doesn't precede me.
As far as helping you to retrieve your family treasure, that's not really the kind of thing I do.
But if you were interested in being reunited with your family, that's something I can probably arrange.

Thank you for your inquiry.

Ask Satan.

I know.

I know I get blamed for a lot of the bad things that happen in this world.

But you have to remember that I'm only working with what I've been given.
I'm not omnipotent, omniscient and perfect like some other deities I could mention.

But since the omnipotent, omniscient, and oh so perfect higher powers haven't seemed to be able to answer all of your prayers and weird rhetorical questions I figured I'd give humans another option.

So here's your chance to ask me for advice.

Advice about your life, the universe, and everything.

If you ask a good question that's worth my time and effort to answer, I'll answer your question or give you the advice you seek through this blog and copy it on my Facebook page.

If you would prefer to remain anonymous, then mention that in your inquiry.

You can find me here, and on Facebook at:
https://www.facebook.com/DearSatanAdvice/
On Tumblr at:
http://dearsatanadvice.tumblr.com/
Or you can e-mail me at:
DearSatanAdvice@gmail.com