Dear Satan: Less Than Zero & Maniacal Laughter

 Dear Satan,

Social Worker Ling Ying feel that I have extremely evil mind, my jest is cruel, and my smile is fake, so that could I ask how can I reduce my sanity to Less Than Zero and become really insane?

Best Regards, Elijah Hu

PPPS: BESIDES, Would you mind telling me how do I make an insane laughter?

Dear Elijah,

Thank you for your inquiry.
Maybe you have an extremely evil mind and your jest is cruel and your smile is fake.
If you have a fake ass smile, then you wouldn’t be the first and certainly won’t be the last.
I think that maybe the problem between you and Social Worker Ling Ying is that you’re trying to fake it till you make it.
Fake it till you make it is bullshit pick-up artistry slang for justifying being a lying sack of shit while faking your way into getting the things you want in life that you think you deserve but don’t.
I hate cheaters.
I mean, I’m not going to put someone down for eternal damnation for a few little white lies like that time you said the dog ate your homework or the time you masturbated in the bathroom at church.
I’ve got better things to do.
But if you’re going to try to surf through life using people as stepping stones and burning bridges and fucking people over just so you can be king dick of asshole mountain I’ll be happy to meet you at the door and give you a guided tour of hell before you spend the next infinity of infinities drowning in a lake of fire while being eaten by fire ants while Arthur Brown sings Fire over the p. a. system.
Okay.
I admit, maybe I go a bit overboard with the whole FIRE thing, but it’s my thing.
The other guy gets clouds and haloes and angels.
I get fire and horns and demons.
But I also get all of the best Rock & Roll musicians.
I’ll tell Lemmy you said hello when we’re hanging out playing poker and drinking whiskey tonight like we do every night.
That’s why I make sure to give every pick-up artist a teeny tiny eentsy weentsy half a baby carrot premature infant dick.
Oh, and gonorrhea.
Any time you hear someone say “Hey, man, fake it till you make it.” trust that that bro-dude chief champ douchebag has a raging angry red hot icky sticky trickling case of gonorrhea that leaves permanent stains in anything his awful tiny disappointment of a dick touches.
What I’m trying to say is that if you expect someone else to like you then you’re going to have to figure out how to like yourself first.
Girls can smell fake confidence like dogs can smell fear and they’re not going to let you try to throw a dick up them if they think you’re trying to pretend to be something you’re not.
Spend some time going to the gym or learning how to play guitar or do ten push-ups a day plus ten more every day until you’re up to around a thousand a day and by the time you get to a thousand a day you’ll be turning heads so hard you’re gonna give the girls whiplash.

Then you can show up wherever Social Worker Ying Ling looks with a model-quality hottie on each arm and you between them like a menage a troi ice cream sandwich and you can watch Social Worker Ying Ling try to eat her heart out.
Alright.
As far as how can I reduce my sanity to Less Than Zero and become really insane?
First off, I think it’s a creepy coincidence that two posts in a row contain a Bret Easton Ellis reference.

Maybe it’s just because I take credit for his creating his entire body of work, but, still, it’s kind of creepy.
As far as reducing your sanity to Less Than Zero, that can go either way.
Either you can end up like Andrew McCarthy where you’re not a very good actor and you get to walk away relatively unscathed.
Or you can end up like Robert Downey Jr. and have James Spader making you suck dick to pay him back for all of the coke money you owe him because you wanted to have a twenty-four hour disco party in your head until you ran out of money or luck or both.
I can't necessarily recommend the Less Than Zero route.
But if you want to temporarily disrupt the machine inside your head I recommend high doses of clean psychedelics.
Don’t chew up an entire sheet of basement bathtub arsenic acid like it’s Big League Chew.
Two or three or five tabs of decent LSD in the downtown center of a busy city or two or three dried grams of a decent psilocybin mushroom should definitely be enough to press your reset button but good.

PPPPPS: As for Maniacal Laughter, It’s a decent album.

Love, Satan

Dear Satan: Disappear Here

Dear Satan,

How do I make people who really REALLY irritate me DISAPPEAR and not do 
time in prison?

Regards,
Suzanne

Suzanne,

I know that it’s not easy not being a nigh-omnipotent embodiment of all of the evil in the world.
When I want someone to disappear I make them spontaneously combust.
It’s kind of exhausting, because since you puny humans are something like 98% water I have to concentrate a little bit to make one of you insignificant mortals explode into a sulfurous fireball.
My favorite time to do that to a person is when they’re just walking down the street, minding their own business.  Thinking about someone they’d want to fuck if they could or thinking about what they’re thinking about getting for dinner and what they’re going to maybe watch when they’re sitting on their couch after a hard day’s work, sipping a cold beer.
Then BLAMMO!  Man on fire!
Nothing left behind but a pile of ash, a few tooth fillings and a tie-tack.
But like I said, manipulating events on the physical plane takes effort and I need a nap and a frappe and a nice rubdown afterwards or I’m tired and cranky all day and no one wants a tired and cranky Satan.
But since I only have the patience to do that about once a day, I make people disappear every day the same way everyone else does.
I block them on social media.
If you had any idea how many evil little minions are constantly capering on about “Appear before me Satan!” and “Do my bidding!” and “Please help me pass Biology so I don’t have to summer school again this summer!” you wouldn’t even want the job.
Sure the job has its perks.
I mean just the other night I was in bed with Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield and I made them have a pillow fight to the death.
No big deal.
I resurrected Marilyn afterwards.
Jayne doesn’t get the credit she deserves.
She’s a scrapper.
But I digress.
There’s few things more satisfying than going through each of your social media apps and blocking the same annoying person on each one and watching the streams of communication they have to interfere in your life dry up to nothing.

Hope this helps.

Love, Satan.

Dear Satan [Chinese Democracy]

Dear Satan,

My Name Is Elijah Hu, I Am From Taiwan Province of the Republic Of China.
I Love My Country Republic Of China But I Hate Present President Of the
Republic Of China Cai-Ying Wen, Might I Ask How Should I Do ?

Sincerely Yours,
Elijah Hu

Postscript: Besides, Would you please give me some advice.

Regards,
Elijah Hu | huelijah@outlook.com

Dear Elijah,
I‘m not that familiar with the way that the government of China works.
The most research that I’ve done is that I know that Guns & Roses put out an album called Chinese Democracy.
I decided to finally listen to it in preparation for replying to your message and all I learned is that it’s not their best album.
Their best album is undoubtedly their 1987 debut album Appetite For Destruction.
I prefer the original cover design for the album featuring the Robert Williams painting.

If Chinese democracy works the same way that American democracy works, then my advice is for you to organize support for your preferred candidate.
When it comes time to vote, focus your time and effort on organizing voters to vote for your preferred candidate.
Then hopefully your candidate will win the majority of the votes.
Then 538 people pick whoever they want to be president regardless of who won the general election.
At least that’s how it works in the United States.
There’s not a lot you can do about the president, but what you can do on a personal level is to run for office.
If you don’t like your government, change it from the inside.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Start off small by running for a seat on your city council.
Work your way up the hierarchy of government, becoming a state senator, then becoming the governor of your state, then becoming one of the representatives from your state in the federal government.
After all of that work and year after year of dedicated public service towards the goal of making China a better place you’ll hopefully have enough of a reputation to launch your presidential campaign.
It’s going to cost about a billion China Yuan Renminbi to run a successful presidential campaign, so hopefully you’ve been wisely investing your income from all of your years of government service and maintained true to the utopian ideals that inspired you to pursue public office.
And after all of that, then, maybe, you, YES, YOU, will be the president of China.
Good luck and Godspeed on your future endeavors future President Hu.
I hope this helped.

Love, Satan

Dear Satan [I Have Been Fall In Love]

DEAR SATAN,

I would love to take your advice, Could I Ask How Can I Make My Social Worker Wang Ailan Become My Girlfriend? BECAUSE I Have Been Fall In Love With Her Four Years.

Dear Satan, I Fall in Love With My Social Worker Wang Ailan (Ailan Wang) Since 2013 so I Would Love To Ask A Question, COULD I ASK How Can I Make Her Become My Girlfriend ?

SINCERELY YOURS,
Elijah Hu


Dear Elijah,
     I received a message in my Facebook Inbox, a comment on my Facebook page, and an e-mail notifying me that you sent a message to the blog.
     If nothing else, I admire your perseverance.
     I can’t tell if you’re trying to toss me a slow pitch down the center to see if I take a swing at it, or if this is a sincere request, but since you’re so perseverant, and, also, the only message in my inbox, I’ll take a swing.
     People think that there’s a secret way to summon me or to enlist my assistance with whatever they might need help with.
     Although I don’t get as many requests as God, I’m still a pretty busy lesser entity.
     No one yells out “Hail Satan!” when they’re startled but a lot of them yell “Jesus Christ!” which really just annoys Him and is, to be honest, a bit disrespectful considering that not taking their lord’s name in vain is in the instruction manual, for Christ’s sake.
     People think they have to sacrifice an animal and draw a pentagram in the animal’s blood in a deconsecrated church at the stroke of midnight and I’ll appear and do their bidding.
     Not everyone thinks that, but no matter how much public outreach I do, there are still people with lower than average IQs, mostly Marilyn Manson fans that think the star of David is a Satanic symbol that hurt animals, and I just want everyone to know that those people are not my people.
     I’m especially disappointed in people that kill cats.
     I like cats.
     Why do you think I make so many of them?
     So now it’s out there.
     Satan is a cat person.
     That’s why all dogs go to heaven.
     But all cats come home to hell.

     As for trying to make your social worker your girlfriend, that’s not really the kind of thing I do.
     I’m not really the poster boy for healthy relationships.
     I’m more the patron saint of extra-marital relationships and divorce.
     Or so I’ve been told.

     But a couple of my brand ambassadors have had a bit to say on the subject.
 
    If you were to ask Anton LaVey, which, conveniently, I am able to do, he told me that you should pick up a few of his books and read them and pretty much any answer to any question you might have will probably be found somewhere in there.
     To save you a bit of time and effort, personal magnetism is a matter of pride, confidence, and power.
     For a brief summary of the LaVeyan Satanic philosophy you can click through here:
     http://altreligion.about.com/od/satanismlaveyan/a/Rules-And-Sins-In-Satanism.htm
     The cardinal sins of Christianity are viewed quite differently.
     The example I use most often is that Pride will counter-balance Gluttony and Sloth.
     If you eat too much (Gluttony) and lay around on the couch too much (Sloth) and get fat, then your sense of Pride in the way you look and the way that people act towards you will inspire you to eat better and work out until you look the way you want to look.
     If you want this girl to like you, you have to like yourself and be confident in who you are and that confidence will attract not only the woman that you want to attract, but you’ll find that your confidence attracts other women and you’ll wonder why you ever thought that the girl you want now was worth wanting in the first place.
    According to LaVeyan Satanism, if she doesn’t give you the “come hither” vibe, you should leave her be and try to find someone else that might be interested in picking up what you’re laying down.
     The way it’s phrased in The Eleven Satanic Rules Of The Earth is “Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.”
     Which pretty much means if she doesn’t give you the “come hither” vibe, you should leave her be and try to find someone else that might be interested in picking up what you’re laying down.
     “How will I know if she’s giving me the mating signal?”
     You’ll know.
     And if you’re not sure, ask.
     It might kill the whole vibe and dispel the magical mystery of the whole thing, but better to know than to go forward in error.

     If you ask Aleister Crowley, "Love is the law, love under will."
     https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/93_(Thelema)
     What that means is subject to infinite debate and you’ll have to spend endless hours reading dense texts and mastering all of the disciplines of magic and the mystery schools and the invisible college and challenging all of your beliefs and reinventing yourself and reinventing that until your identity is completely erased and recreated into a force so powerful that it has its own gravity and that gravity radiates out as a personal magnetism and that personal magnetism allows you to manipulate other people into providing you with everything you could possibly desire and more.
     Again, if you want this girl to like you, you have to like yourself and be confident in who you are and that confidence will attract not only the woman that you want to attract, but you’ll find that your confidence attracts other women and you’ll wonder why you ever thought that the girl you want now was worth wanting in the first place.

     In summary, I can make your social worker fall in love with you, but I won’t.
     If you want it, you have to earn it.
     If you work towards earning it, then that work will gradually make you into the kind of person that not only the girl you say that you’re in love with will want but you’ll be able to date pretty much whoever you want to date, which should really be your greater goal.

Love, Satan

 

Dear Satan, [Apple Customer Support]

Dear Apple Customer,
Your Apple account has been frozen. We recently reviewed your account, and we need more information to help us provide you with a more efficient secure service. Until we can collect this information, your account will be frozen. We would like to restore your access as soon as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.
Wondering why you got this email?
It's sent when someone adds or changes a contact email address for an Apple ID account. If you didn't do this, don't worry. Your email address cannot be used as a contact address for an Apple ID without your verification.
Thanks,
Apple Customer Support

Dear Apple Customer Support,
I kind of thought that this would go without saying, but I guess you're going to make me say it.
How would you like a horde of locusts to descend upon your corporate headquarters and fly in through the ventilation shafts and devour all of the flesh from the bodies of your employees so that it looks like a skeleton factory?
How would that work to help you have a happy humpday?
Or I could arrange for a single black raven to fly into your corporate headquarters infected with a cross-bred bird flu / ebola virus that's transmitted airborne and you can spend the afternoon watching all of your co-workers puking up their stomach lining and shitting out their intestines while bleeding from the eyeballs.
That kind of might put a bit of a damper on the morale in the human resources department when everyone in your entire company, including the human resources department, dies the same afternoon.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe you'll want to consider unfreezing my account.
I know that it's against company policy and that you need more information to help you provide me with a more efficient secure service and that until you collect that information, my account will be frozen.
But how would you like it if I have a radioactive meteorite crash into your corporate headquarters that turns humans into zombies that live only to fuck, kill, and eat humans, but ironically they retain en excellent sense of direction so everyone goes home and rapes, murders, and eats their families, and their pets and neighbors and their neighbors pets, not necessarily in that order?
I think that might screw up this year's Christmas party when everyone is too dead and gorged on the flesh of their loved ones to play Secret Santa.
My intention is not to threaten you.
But it might be a good idea to remember that as a trans-dimensional, nigh-omnipotent ruler of Hell and all that it contains, I can make any or all of the preceding scenarios manifest on the earth.
I can make the sun go dark and the moon blood red and make the gutters run with the tears of your lamentations.
But what I can't do is I can't seem to figure out how to unlock my iPhone.
I left it on my desk and some lesser demon tried to unlock it and after entering the wrong password three times he bricked the fucking thing and I had everything on that phone.
So I would appreciate it if you stop apologizing for the inconvenience and restore my access as soon as possible, or I will make all of your children gay.
I love gay people, but God hates them, and you don't want him to hate your kids, now, do you?
Oh, and if you could do me a little favor and put the new Madonna album in my iTunes I'm having the human formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince over and we want to listen to it.

Thank you for doing as I command,
Satan